Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in aleqhere's LiveJournal:

Monday, December 17th, 2007
12:42 am	don't be mistaken, this is in fact an entry about boys Ah, I bet you thought this blog was over! Coincidentally, I am back where it originally started- exactly one year ago in my parent's house during winter break.  Bored again and taking up blogging to fill some time. Towards the end of this blog, my entries often consisted of e-mails I wrote to people updating about my life. Mostly a boy in a distant land far away who I wanted to be with. I removed the parts specifically to him and just copied the life update parts. Here's the story, followed by my trajectory of boy interactions within the last half of 2007. Regarding the boy in the distant land, the frequency of our correspondences waned around May, which explains the lack of entries here since then.  I suspected there was a boy to attribute to this change. Alas, I visited distant land boy at the end of the summer and my suspicions were correct. He had, in fact, been dating someone about the time we began to lose contact. According to his bf, they were still dating when I visited; according to my boy, they were not.  Hmmm... Sure, there was basically nothing between us, but, as a friend, he should have told me about this. Thoroughly insulted, I decided not to take the initiative to contact him until he initiates conversation and/or apologizes. I haven' t heard from him since.  Meanwhile, another boy was in my life  this summer. After meeting at a bar and sleeping together (note: strictly sleeping...and making out) the same night, new boy and I embraced a summer of lovin' (note: not love) until my fateful move.  We spent a lot of time together in Atlanta- eating meals, chatting at coffee shops, walking around the park. Then we would take occasional trips to Athens when he had a few days off and/or we wanted to spend the night together. There was a lot of sexual intimacy and a lot of talking.  In many ways, he was kind of dreamy, possessing a passion for politics and the NY Times, a very chill demeanor, and a propensity to call religiously.  Of course, meeting boys in bars is never perfect: 1) he never actually had a place to live (read: couch hopper) 2) he smoked 3) He worked at the mall 4) rumors were aplenty about his lack of faithfulness 5) we never actually had a DTR talk 6) he might as well have cheated on me, which was likely a result of reason #5.    Allow me to explicate reasons 4-6: 4) A lot of bad rumors existed, but I like to think I traced the source to a certain heart-broken ex-lover who I would trust with nothing. 5) It was pretty clear I was leaving for an indefinite period of time at the end of the summer and the dissolution of our "relationship" would correspond with this move. I also think I promised to myself that I wouldn't be in a relationship for a long time, and I wanted to spend the summer with family and friends. He did interfere in some ways, but overall he didn't hinder it too much. We both had a lot of idle time, and, in that way, we were compatible. So I think we were just "hanging out" a lot more than anything else. He did mention that he was looking at transferring  jobs to be where I was moving. wtf? (but that's also kind of flattering...) 6) Five weeks before my final move, I began a month-long vacation. I wanted to break things off before then, but I never got around to it. The day before that vacation, I snooped through his text messages and found messages to a "friend" in Colorado who he exchanged messages resembling such phrases as "call me pooky" and "i miss you honey" and "when are you coming to atlanta?"  I was enraged and  yelled at him. He said they were just friends from study abroad, but I assumed they were probably hopeless long-distance romantics who want to be together someday. (Similar to my situation with my boy in a distant land....) Either way, he said he was hurt because I was leaving and shouldn't have done it.  And his apology sounded like nothing more than an obligatory phrase to get me to shut up. I remember this clearly. After leaving on my trip, I tried not to think about it a lot. He called me frequently, but I rarely returned his phone calls, explaining to him that I am super busy and didn't have time to chat on the phone. Rumor was that he was pretty upset at my behavior, but, like I said, he's super chill, so of course he wouldn't get mad at me or anything. When I got back, there was a week before I moved and I think we saw each other once or twice- I explained to him that I really wanted to just spend time with friends. On the last couple nights before my move, he wouldn't return my phone calls.  I finally got in touch with him and he helped me load my car. We talked a couple times on the phone during my week-long road trip move to California but not much. I called him once when I got there and never heard back from him. Committing myself to a new life independent of boys, I  decided not to persist and never heard back from him. I checked up on on him on facebook a couple months later and saw lots of pictures with one particular boy who I assumed to be his new boy, which hurt just a bit. I e-mailed him when I was in a better place and said nice things. He e-mailed back to say relatively nice things and said the boy was just a friend who he hooked up with a few times. I e-mailed back again the next day or so and never heard back. (That's the problem with responding to e-mails too quickly.) Perhaps I will see him sometime during break, but I'm not sure if I will take the initiative. I suppose it depends on how bored I get. Ah, so now we are at the stage of the story where I tell you about my boy status in the land of Northern California. Sticking to my independent streak, I explored San Francisco and the surrounding area almost entirely on my own. Within the first month, I made a few friends but hardly any regular hang out buddies who were as bored as I was. I went to the museum, walked around SF, ate at vegan restaurants, and of course went to the bars in Castro a few times.  Each time I met someone.  I danced with one very nice gentleman who I reluctantly gave my number at the end of the night. I don't know why- he was just nice and kind of cute, and I felt bad not doing so. We went on a date or two (probably my first proper dates), but once school started, I got very annoyed that once I hung out with him in lieu of my *new* friends or doing things independently! We had a very nice time the last couple dates, but the last one he spent the night. We messed around and it wasn't very good. The next morning we studied together but I realized how much we don't have in common. He was getting on my nerves because I often couldn't even follow the random things he would say, and I got even more annoyed that he wouldn't pay for things when I didn't have money. I stopped returning phone calls as much and e-mails altogether. Finally I called him back, and, for the first time ever, broke it off with a boy.  This was a huge step on my part. I've always reluctantly remained in relationships because the alternative appeared to be loneliness and singledom. If we had been dating for longer, I'm not sure if I would have even been able to do it, despite our incompatibility. I just get so comfortable in relationships that it doesn't really matter what happens- I just assume they will work out eventually. I told him I was too busy and didn't have time for a relationship or even dating. He said he figured as much and we could still be friends. Fortunately, we are still friends and hang out once in a while! So that was that. I started getting incredibly sexually frustrated. Like hardcore- and I realized I usually don't go for very long without being in a relationship with someone, much less sleeping with anyone. So I began to pursue the mens in clubs without feeling guilty... I had a brief intense crush on a boy I met through the glbt grad student group. Pretty much everyone in the bay area appears very money obsessed, especially at my school. He, however, was getting his master's in international comparative education and I later found out that he volunteered with the peace corps doing AIDS in Africa work. Omg- so dreamy. I thought about him a lot and really wanted to pursue him. I invited him along to things, but he was never able to come out due to other, (ostensibly) legitimate reasons. So I gave up on that quickly, and methinks it is probably for the better. Despite his humanitarian streak, he is probably a bit too bourgie for me. besides, if it didn't work out, it would be hella awkward because he is so visible on campus. Last one, I swear. So my friend and I were out dancing last month, and a tall man brushed by me. Later in the night, I brushed by him, he smiled and later groped me while I was dancing. Groped me a lot. I returned the favor and enjoyed what I groped. I took him to my friend at the bar to meet him. (I always insist on new people meeting my friends.) My friend approved of him, and we all proceeded to dance. Boy said he needed to go, and I insisted he take me with him. He refused my offer. We made out for a bit,  he took my number, and said he wanted to date me. Note that, at this point, all he knew about me was a) my name, b) the town where I live, and c) the state of my physique. After another song, he insisted he needed to leave, I again asked to go with him (I was drunk and didn't want to drive back and he was cute and legit) but he didn't let me. so he left. My friend and I then left and saw him outside talking to folks. (Hitting on more boys? "Perhaps" my paranoia suggested) So he seemed like an awesome, together guy and the next morning I eagerly anxiously awaited his phone call. (Between our groping sessions, we had talked about him coming down the next day).  To my dismay, I did not hear from him. I sent him a nervous text message in the late evening saying something like "Good to meet you- do you want to come down here sometime?"  We exchanged a few text messages and I finally just called him and talked for a bit. He was nice and we agreed to meet in a week Sunday. So I'm a nervous wreck all week until I call him Saturday and make plans for Sunday.  Keep in mind that I'm busy as hell at this point and do not have time  to spend hanging out- but , alas, I'm a slave to boys. So I  call him Saturday and we worked out a plan to meet at his place  on Sunday. I drove up there, saw his beatuiful place in the city, and then we went on the dreamiest date ever. We  got lost in golden gate park trying to  find the deyoung museum, and it was  fun. We got to know each other's background a lot before having to be quiet in the museum. We then went to the cafe and got some food and headed into the museum. We talked a lot about the art and it turns out he knows a lot of artists..and knows what he likes, but not in any pretentious way that I can't relate to.  It was actually kind of perfect. We then left to try to go to the Arboretum in the park. We walked around saw lots of plants, talked some more, and then he tried to kiss me while walking. It didn’t really work out because we were walking in a big open space with other people around. I think he was rushed because he had to pick up a friend for a party later at this time, but we walked back to his car and he drove me back to mine. We kissed for a little bit but he had to go pick up his friend. It was kind of the perfect date. I was nervous as hell but then started to get really comfortable and there was no pressure at all. I felt like he listened to me a lot and was able to relate. He’s about 8 years older than me, so I hoped he also felt we were relating on the same level and not think I was too young. So perfect date is the moral of the story. I called my friends and raved about it. He e-mailed me first thing next morning to give me his e-mail address and say a couple things. I e-mailed back later in the day to invite him to visit me. He didn’t e-mail back until late the next day to tell me he was going out of town for a long time soon and wouldn’t have time to meet up before he leaves and then I leave for winter break. And that was the last of our correspondences. I’ve been thinking about him like whoah. He just seems like a perfect guy to marry. He does what he loves, seems genuinely nice, is pretty well-off, doesn’t look too bad, and is super sweet. All around just his own person, which I find incredibly attractive. My only qualm is the lack of political/civic involvement. Perhaps I’m being judgmental but we didn’t talk about him doing any of that at all…and we definitely didn’t talk about social issues too much.  It was so nice to meet someone who I could relate to (and I’m thinking this is relative to the last guy I dated) but I would ultimately want to be with someone who is social justice minded. This major qualm notwithstanding, I still think about him a lot. Perhaps I haven't met someone in SF as good as him and it is nice to have someone be super into me and sweet. I e-mailed him yesterday to check up on him while he is out of town. I haven’t heard back from him, but he’s abroad, so I don’t expect to hear from him. And it would be better if I didn’t hear back from him, since I feel like I might settle for him even though I have this major qualm. Plus, if he is interested, I would really just want to be in a serious relationship with him, rather than casually date, but I am supposed to not be in one! (And, according to a friend of a friend who coincidentally knew him a while back, he’s probably not looking for one either…) Now it could be the cold, the holiday season...it could have been the hanging out with my brother and his long-term boyfriend this weekend...or perhaps spending the night for a couple nights in a recently married couple's house littered with together pictures....or perhaps  the news a few weeks ago that my friend is getting engaged...or just the general recent acquisition of at least 3 engaged friends.... Here I am again in winter break with not much to do but long for a boy and sort of half-heartedly reaffirm my resolution against boys, maybe even relationships/monogomy  all together in order to objectively examine my life...while at the same time intensely longing for them and feeling kind of suffocated living at my parent's house for a bit. And pressuring myself to enjoy my time here rather than think about boys. blech.   (Comment on this)
Monday, May 21st, 2007
1:13 am	my mom used to make us go to church, but we hated it. people were bitches at our church and it turned us off to christianity. and my dad never went. but we say grace before every meal? i think it is more to appease my  mom. i didn't have to go to easter church this year, which was a first i think. but we always have to go to xmas church. that's ok, though, because i like singing christmas carols. i'm not opposed to religion i dont think- just haven't found a good place yet. why do so many gay peope become jews? i know a ton. or at least a disproportionate amount, considering how many of my friends don't practice any religion at all. did you know timabaland collaborated with bjork on 3 of her new songs? that's kind of crazy. i need to get it. i just ordered the timbaland album for $3 off amazon. i think it might suck, though, because i haven't heard anyone else talking about it. and there was probably a reason it was only 3 bucks. shit. i payed $10 for the paris hilton book. it seemed like a deal at the time. damnit. here is the video that will change your life: http://www.youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=QUTIOjZejFI&eurl=http%3A//www.google.com/search%3Fq%3Dlip%2Bgloss%26start%3D0%26ie%3Dutf-8%26oe%3Dutf-8%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla%&iurl=http%3A//img.youtube.com/vi/QUTIOjZejFI/2.jpg&t=OEgsToPDskLKzBB5RazHtopydDELZQFh the best part is when she breaks it down in the cafeteria and the silverware starts dancing. i actually heard it on v103 yesterday. i got a bit too excited. i want a dog. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 14th, 2007
10:26 pm	damnit sad shit So the specter of death impending closer and closer upon my life has advanced a bit further within the past week.  Christy Ward died last week due to "heart and lung complications" according to the facebook group R.I.P. Christy Ward. Here is what it said: Name: R.I.P. Christy Ward Type: Common Interest - Families Description: This group is to express condolences for the passing of Christy Ward. Christy was having some heart and lung complications, and yesterday morning they gave out. Contact Info State: GA Recent News Chirsty Ward passed yesterday morning. Her Wake was today at 10am, but it was more of funeral mass and last viewing because she was taken to be cremated immediately after. Her burial service will be tomorrow (Friday, May 11, 2007) at 10:30am at Floral Hills Memorial Gardens, 3000 Lawrenceville Hwy in Tucker. She will be buried next to her father. Please come out and support her family in their time of grief. ====== So, did I know Christy? No, not really. I remember her riding our bus in middle school and high school. I think she went to elementary school with me, too.  She was a good friend with a bunch of my friends one year older.  She was a very good friend of one of my best friends Anna Love. We all went to the Sigur Ros concert together 5 years ago, my senior year of high school.  I went to her apartment a few times. Basically she did a lot of drugs. like a whole lot. she was in serious re-hab in december when she nearly died. apparently she was still talking about doing drugs even after that. wtf?  i didn't hear anything about her since. and then i called anna last week and she said she just got back from the wake. anna's pretty upset about it. she came to my graduation party last night and was having trouble not just randomly crying. she hasn't gone to work for a while. i haven't talked to her about it too seriously much, but i am sure she must be feeling some sort of guilt. they did a lot of drugs together. but anna really cares about her friends so i am sure she just feels like she could've done something else. i don't know. i would totally feel like that.  damn, just sucks. another reality check. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
6:05 am	ok, and because i have to put this in writing. you may notice a rather conspicuous lack of boy-talk in this journal. that is certianly intentional.  i hate the effects of monogmous relationships on my personal life and society.  and i didn't wan it to infest my journal. i will not be naiive enough to swear off boys. i am in love with love, relationships, and having someone love me intimately. it is one of the best feelings in my life. especially when i consider that  a lot of my high school years i just kind of dreamed with being with a guy or someone who i didn't have to pretend to like (i.e. a girl).  however, i am moving to a new place in a few months. it will be crticial for me to forge strong social bonds and create a firm, semi-reliable foundation of social networks.  i feel like any type of transient relationship, whether it be dating, hooking-up, or being serious, will impede upon this.  futhermore, the ending of any of these relationships will undoubtedly cause the jealousy and hurt i so easily experience when these relationships end. and essentially, the last thing i want my first year in grad school is to have to start avoiding certian places or people because of  failed relationships. trust me, no matter how miniscule the relationship was, i will feel some sort of hesitancy, jealousy, anger, or sadness.  i think i may be just too sensitive when it comes to such things. so, here in writing, i commit to not being in a relationship for one year. this is scary to see in print. but i think that is the best thing for me. i have tried to date casually and it is entirely too stressful.  i would like to add a caveate her. but i would lie to myself if i thought i could have some sort of relationship- any type of relationship- involving mutual attraction with a boy without the very likely risk of feeling awful.  as i write this out, it seems absurd. and it seems like i am not addressing the problem at its roots. this is very likely. perhaps i could have a psychologist my first year there and we could work out potential ways i could work through relationships. (i have never sought professional help to remedy this side of me.) now i am just a lot more confused. i wish i could be so insulated and confident that the ending of a relationship would just not affect me unless it was very serious. but i have not been able to get used to that. besides, there is too much boy drama in athens, all involving my ex's, that i just don't want to see again. but maybe i have to continue to have relationships in order to get used to such things.  i know hurting is a necessary experience. and maybe i'd just set myself up for disaster by creating a definitive point at which i can begin to date someone and then settling because it has been so long. i don't know. i just want to be so happy and fulfilled being single.  and i have progessed so much in these past 6-7 months of singledom. it is tough sometimes, but i like it. i don't love it like relationships but i do like it a lot. and i know i will miss it  a lot if i do end up being in a relationship. (tangent continues) now that i think about it, after i broke up with my very first boyfriend (of one month), it was such a relief to be independent and do what i wanted without having to worry about trying to see someone.  i really do like being independnet so much, and i accomplish so much when i am. "but, alec, it is certainly possible to be independent while being in a relationship." no, a relationship precludes independence. you are dependent on someone for at least companionship, if not many other things. and a big part of my sour relatoinship with relationships is because i am never the one to end things. ever. i hardly ever turn anyone down. (i can only think of one istance of this happening-aaron my sophomore year.) so maybe i need to drop some balls and begin to have standards? and not be afraid to break up with folks? but that seems pretty cruel- hurtin other people before i get hurt. i guess it comes down to me not being mature and level-headed and independent enough to be in  a relationship? ok, i need to think this out a whole lot more. (Comment on this)
5:33 am	so I have my one final exam tomorrow. It is for my silly poli sci class southern politics. boy has it sucked hard, but it is 1000x more interesting now because we are dealing with race stuff. all about race and how awesome the south is/has been. because the class was so silly (for lack of a better word) in the beginning, i decided a C would suit me just fine, so i didn't study very hard. and i laughed at the 73 i got on my first test. however, one needs a 3.9 GPA to graduate with highest honors. and a C+ would put me at 3.89. fizzzzuccck!! i don't know my grade in the class but, assuming i get a 50 in participation (which is probably an overestimation), i will need to get a C on the final in order to get a B- in the class. yeah, i know, nobody will notice the difference between magna cum laude and summa cum laude, considering many schools don't even offer summa. but i'm so close to summa- i'd hate to be bumped down to the lower echelons of high honors. just the thought of it gives me the heebie jeebies. so now i stress about this. <le sigh.> i won't believe when this is over and i can say i am absolutely done with being an undergraduate. does that scare you as much as it scares me? in other news, i have a horrible story. so...i was talking to a friend this weekend who was telling me the story of her roommate who has to move out of their apartment because she cannot afford to live there. her father died and she does not have the money to live there. instead, she has to move home (somewhere not close to athens) to commute to school. unfortunately her family does not have much money either because her father was the only one who knew how to do the actual dry cleaning in the dry cleaning business they own. so they have to sell. he died because of a stomach aneurysm? or something like that. it was supposed to be standard surgery but he had a heart attack and died. that is kind of one of the most frightening things in life. seeing a member of your immediate family going in for routine surgery and then hearing he/she died on the operating table. oh god, i am so damn lucky. it is so hard to appreciate everything you have. and it is so easy to think about how serious your anxiety or pain is when you keep yourself insulated from all the horrible things happening to other people, either by deliberately or incidentally ignoring them. i suppose that's human nature--and the only way to be functional. so Remind me to try this recipe very soon, maybe tonight: "To Die for Muffins" INGREDIENTS * 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour * 3/4 cup sugar * 1/2 teaspoon salt * 2 teaspoons baking powder * 1/3 cup vegetable oil * 1 egg equivalent (ener-g) * 1/3 cup soymilk * 1 cup fresh berries (i admit to using frozen) * 1/2 cup white sugar * 1/3 cup all-purpose flour * 1/4 cup earth balance/vegan margarine * 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon DIRECTIONS 1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease muffin cups or line with muffin liners. 2. Combine 1 1/2 cups flour, 3/4 cup sugar, salt and baking powder. Place vegetable oil into a 1 cup measuring cup; add egg replacement and enough soymilk to fill the cup. Mix this with flour mixture. Fold in blueberries. Fill muffin cups right to the top, and sprinkle with crumb topping mixture. 3. To Make Crumb Topping: Mix together 1/2 cup sugar, 1/3 cup flour, 1/4 cup margarine, and 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon. Mix with fork, and sprinkle over muffins before baking. 4. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes in the preheated oven, or until done. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
4:08 am	i had a pretty eventful (exciting?) weekend. friday night was kind of lovely- i found a new favorite bar where i hula-hooped enough to get a free drink. and there was a dog there. but everything ended early. and saturday we had a "lavender graduation" which is a special graduation for the gay folks. i know it's cheesy, but it almost made me cry-- it felt very...community. but then i remembered how shitty gay people can be, so i didn't cry.   and athens has this gigantic bike ride through downtown with people from all over the country. and they set up beer gardens outside and you can watch bikes go by. which is actually kind of boring. but it's pretty fun how everyone shows up for it. again, community. it ended early, people went home saying they would go out later. i called alexander  and we decided to hang out in the atl. so i drove home at 11 that night and he called when i was half-way there to tell me he was goin to bed. wtf?! so i just went to MJQ my favorite place in atlanta by myself. i've never gone out by myself and probably wouldn't have been secure enough had i actually known anyone there. but i went, danced with me, bought me drinks, and had wonderful me-bonding time. oh yeah, and my car got towed. at 3 am. what a buzzkill. drew was in town so he picked me up and took me home. 125 bucks the next day. it was such bullshit- i used to park in the same kroger parking lot before and never got towed. i was so mad, as were the 10 other people whose cars were missing at 3am.    next day, i hung out with eryn who works at the gay bookstore. we talked for a long while, hung out in piedmont park and she told me about folks from high school who are now gay who she has seen in there. trying to figure out who has become gay since high school is my new favorite game.    thesis defense today. i made vegan cookies for it- they kind of sucked a lot, but i like to think they were the determining factor that resulted in my passing.  i still have to do all this crazy-ass formatting for it, though- and that will definitely take a few hours.   speaking of paris hilton, i have a story. so prince had a show in las vegas recently, which is incredible for two reasons: (1) This is a common occurence and he has many regular shows in vegas all the time! i'm so going there very soon. (2) paris hilton was in the front row. he invited her on stage, handed her a microphone and said something along the lines of "let's see if she can really sing." she then proceeded to run off stage and deny that it happened. oh, the world of celebrity gossip.   looks like i'm probably not goint to kansas. assuming i get the job, i am going to davidson, nc for a month instead.  i realized i really won't have any time to move out, see friends, plan trips, etc if i am away all summer. I wrote the following to a boy in texas in response to his admitting that he had developed a "wierd [sic] crush" on me" :   that said, you should visit in july. it will be grand. i promise.  that said, i enjoy your boldness, your middle-school use of the word "crush," and the obviousness of mutual, irrational, uncalculated feelings.  unlike you, i do not possess the artful skill of controlling emotions in a calculated and rational way. in fact, most of my emotions are insane. seriously. and i have thought that that was the inherent nature of emotions. perhaps not. everything unrequited dies someday? sure, as much as everything else dies i think.  absence makes the heart grow fonder, son.  whatev. but i like this. i hope to see you again some day...and i like to think that, assuming that it does occur one day, it will be that much more wonderful given how much we talk/write without actually a) seeing each other, and b) having plans to ever see each other again really.    it's kind of exciting, right?    4am g'nite   (Comment on this)
4:06 am	so my cousin's grandma died. and her husband's grandma died. and the neighbor's mom died. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
4:16 pm	one more Boris Yeltsin, Russia’s First Post-Soviet Leader, Is Dead (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
1:05 am	more things Stanford things So I think it will be interesting to hear how many times people reference Stanford when interacting with me. Last night my professor announced in front of the entire school of public and international affairs that i was going to stanford. i just liked it because it was a nice poke at that poli sci professor who gave me a b. and all the other lil bitchy SPIA students. take that! And today in class, we were talking about instilling high status in low-status students in classrooms.  and my friend was talking about telling kids they could go to stanford- very deliberate joke about me. i think every class session references my going to stanford. a few hours later, i was talking about how i can't spell apostrophe and another friend said something about me not being stanford material. this is cute- im glad everyone knows this. i don't brag about pretty much anything to anyone except my family, so it is nice to gain some legitimacy from folks, even if they don't know anything abotu the quality of the program there but the cache that the name stanford carries. update things My backspace button disappeared from my computer- this has made things considerably more difficult tonight. i delivered presentations at the southern sociology society meeting and CURO symposium this week. my presentations were a bit anti-climactic, though i got some awesome feedback from folks on thursday. there were at least 4 experts in the audience on one of the theories i was dealing with, and they were all awesome with giving me feedback in a nice way, rather than calling me out on an ill-thought out project. so now my thesis will become incredibly more complicated but exciting. but with only 2 weeks of classes left, i really won't be able to devote the time i need to on this project. i suppose it is something to continue in grad school... I have to figure out summer things. I applied for a job at berkeley but they're being assholes about even getting back to me to tell me they received my application. once i finish procrastinating writing a cover letter, im going to apply for this job at duke being an RA for high schoolers at nerd camp. i think that'll be fun.  you know what i'm bad at remembering? its vs. it's.  everytime i write it i have to think about it and can never remember when to include the apostraphy. wow, i now realized how much i really can't spell apostrophie. is it really spelled apostrophe? that doesn't make any sense. but i have to go in ms word and see if it's "its" or "it's."  and i still won't remember in a couple seconds. so it goes. did you hear kurt vonnegut died? that kind of sucks. as does the virginia tech thing.  my friend grew up there- it's kind of frightening. but i think similarly unsettling will be folks' reactions to it.  the times has a "multimedia interaction graphic" about how everything happened. are you kidding me? kind of fucked up.    oh, i am in a coffee shop now and they just delivered the newspapers. the atlanta journal has a 3-inch headline: "bloodbath." thanks guys. MORE VT THINGS On 4/17/07, she wrote: ha...the news has of course just suggested that the vt shooter was not comfortable with his sexuality and "clearly projected this" on characters in his plays, etc. a forensic and board certified psychiatrist says he fits the prototype of a mass murderer, yadda yadda yadda.... people are finally beyond the point of "all gay people are depressed".... but they haven't got beyond "all depressed people are gay". it pisses me off! I wrote whoah...i haven't seen that yet, but i suppose i shouldn't be surprised. that's fucked up. so i was just watching the news and somebody was blaming hollywood for violence that people were re-enacting. then some actress came on and said "its not hollywood" and i thought her next thing would be that we need to pay attention to what's going on in kids' lives that drive them to do stuff like this. instead: "its not hollywood, its the guns." wtf. this is so out of hand. and they said he listened to a collective soul song over and over again.  im sure if it was marilyn manson they would attribute his actions to the music. <sigh>  this is why i don't watch the news about stuff like this. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
2:39 am	horrible things Um, this is starting to get scary. Maybe I should start tracking incredibly exciting things. We'll see.  Here is the story, followed by an e-mail exchange with a sociology friend that contains our gut reactions to everything.  i have a tendency to dissacoiate the emotional from things like this and focus on evaluating the event. i suppose its  useful  and  probably both a necessary adaptation in order to stay informed about what's going on in the world an an artifact of trying to be a socially conscious activist against horrible things. And as a side note, I started posting the Times article on this which actually is a lot more unnecessarily graphic and includes a "Multimedia Interactive graphic" recounting the events... Gunman Kills 32 at Virginia Tech In Deadliest Shooting in U.S. History By Ian Shapira and Tom Jackman Washington Post Staff Writers Tuesday, April 17, 2007; A01 BLACKSBURG, Va., April 16 -- An outburst of gunfire at a Virginia Tech dormitory, followed two hours later by a ruthless string of attacks at a classroom building, killed 32 students, faculty and staff and left about 30 others injured yesterday in the deadliest shooting rampage in the nation's history. The shooter, whose name was not released last night, wore bluejeans, a blue jacket and a vest holding ammunition, witnesses said. He carried a 9mm semiautomatic and a .22-caliber handgun, both with the serial numbers obliterated, federal law enforcement officials said. Witnesses described the shooter as a young man of Asian descent -- a silent killer who was calm and showed no expression as he pursued and shot his victims. He killed himself as police closed in. He had left two dead at the dormitory and 30 more at a science and engineering building, where he executed people taking and teaching classes after chaining some doors shut behind him. At one point, he shot at a custodian who was helping a victim. Witnesses described scenes of chaos and grief, with students jumping from second-story windows to escape gunfire and others blocking their classroom doors to keep the gunman away. Even before anyone knew who the gunman was or why he did what he did, the campus community in Southwest Virginia began questioning whether most of the deaths could have been prevented. They wondered why the campus was not shut down after the first shooting. The enormity of the event brought almost immediate expressions of condolences from President Bush, both houses of Congress and across the world. "I'm really at a loss for words to explain or to understand the carnage that has visited our campus," said Charles W. Steger, president of Virginia Tech, one of the state's largest and most prestigious universities. The rampage began as much of the campus was just waking up. A man walked into a freshman coed dorm at 7:15 a.m. and fatally shot a young woman and a resident adviser. Based on witness interviews, police thought it was an isolated domestic case and chose not to take any drastic campus-wide security measures, university officials said. But about 9:45 a.m., a man entered a classroom building and started walking into classrooms and shooting faculty members and students with the two handguns. Virginia Tech Police Chief Wendell Flinchum said investigators were not certain that the same man committed both shootings. But several law enforcement sources said he did. As police entered Norris Hall, an engineering and science building, shortly before 10 a.m., the man shot and killed himself before officers could confront him. One witness said the gunman was "around 19" and was "very serious but [with] a very calm look on his face." "He knew exactly what he was doing," said the witness, Trey Perkins, 20, of Yorktown, Va. He said he watched the man enter his classroom and shoot Perkins's professor in the head. "I have no idea why he did what he decided to do. I just can't say how lucky I am to have made it." The university canceled classes yesterday and today and set up counseling for the grief-stricken campus. Gov. Timothy M. Kaine (D), who had just arrived in Japan on a trade mission, immediately flew back to Virginia. He was expected to attend a vigil today. "We've been devastated as the death toll has been rising," said Payton Baran, 20, of Bethesda, who is a junior majoring in finance. "I've been calling everyone I know, and everyone I talk to is pretty much in tears. It's really, really depressing." None of the victims' names was released yesterday by officials, pending notification of their families. University officials said 15 people were injured, but spokesmen at four area hospitals said they treated 29. Initial reports from the campus raised the specter of "another Columbine," in which two teenagers in Littleton, Colo., killed 13 people inside a high school in 1999 before killing themselves. But soon, the Virginia Tech rampage dwarfed Columbine to become the biggest shooting rampage by an individual in U.S. history. Students and parents launched a frenzied round of phone calls and text messages yesterday morning, monitoring news reports and waiting for information. And the shootings prompted intense questioning of Steger and Flinchum from a community still reeling from the fatal shootings of a security guard and a sheriff's deputy near campus in August on the first day of classes and the arrest of the suspect on the edge of campus that day. Although the gunman in the dorm was at large, no warning was issued to the tens of thousands of students and staff at Virginia Tech until 9:26 a.m., more than two hours later. "We concluded it was domestic in nature," Flinchum said. "We had reason to believe the shooter had left campus and may have left the state." He declined to elaborate. But several law enforcement sources said investigators thought the shooter might have intended to kill a girl and her boyfriend Monday in what one of them described as a "lover's dispute." It was unclear whether the girl killed at the dorm was the intended target, they said. The sources said police initially focused on the female student's boyfriend, a student at nearby Radford University, as a suspect. Police questioned the boyfriend, later termed "a person of interest," and were questioning him when they learned of the subsequent shootings at Norris Hall. A family friend of the boyfriend's said the boyfriend was stopped by police alongside Route 460 in Blacksburg, handcuffed and interrogated on the side of the road and later released. Students who lived in the dorm said they received knocks on the door telling them to stay in their rooms but nothing else. Shortly before 9:30 a.m., the university sent out this e-mail: "A shooting incident occurred at West Amber Johnston [dorm] earlier this morning. Police are on the scene and are investigating. "The university community is urged to be cautious and are asked to contact Virginia Tech Police if you observe anything suspicious or with information on the case." Steger said that, even though the gunman was at large, "we had no reason to suspect any other incident was going to occur." He said only a fraction of the university's 28,000 students live on campus, and "it's extremely difficult if not impossible to get the word out spontaneously." Students on campus and parents were angry. When Blake Harrison, 21, of Leesburg learned of the shootings, he said, he called an administrative help line and was told "to proceed with caution to classes." He said: "I'm beyond upset. I'm enraged." Yesterday, as officials began to sort out the shootings, tales of the horror began to emerge. Alec Calhoun, a junior, was in Room 204 in Norris. When the shootings began, people suddenly pulled off screens and pushed out windows. "Then people started jumping," he said. "I didn't just leap. I hung from the ledge and dropped. Anybody who made it out was fine. I fell and I hit a bush to cushion my fall. It knocked the wind out of me. I don't remember running." About 9:50 a.m., Jamal Albarghouti was walking toward Norris Hall for a meeting with his adviser in civil engineering "to review my thesis. As I was walking, about 300 feet away, I started hearing people shouting, telling me to run or [get] clear." He started to move away, but he also pulled out his cellphone, which has videorecording capability, and he began filming. His video, which he later shipped to CNN, captures officers running toward the brown three-story building, a couple of flashes from the second floor and 27 gunshots. The video soon became the defining image of the rampage. "I just didn't think I was in great danger," Albarghouti said later. In a German class in Room 207, Perkins was seated in the back with about 15 fellow students. The gunman barged in with two guns, shot the professor in the head, then started shooting students, Perkins said. Panic ensued, he said. "And the shots seemed like it lasted forever." The gunman left Room 207 and tried to return several minutes later, but Perkins and two other students had blocked the door with their feet. He shot through the door. The last time anyone spoke with Kristina Heeger, she was headed for a 9 a.m. French class in Norris. Within an hour, the sophomore from Vienna had been shot in the back. But she survived. It was a story that played out across campus, and far beyond, with so many wounded, so many dead. "She's doing better," said a friend, Eric Anderson, last night after seeing her. "She's recovering. We're praying for her right now. She couldn't talk to them yet, or anyone, and they didn't know any details about what happened." Tucker Armstrong, 19, a freshman from Stephens City, Va., passed by Norris as he headed to a 10 a.m. class. He said in an e-mail that he "noticed several kids hanging and jumping from the second floor windows trying to land in bushes." Armstrong said he heard repeated bangs. He went to help the people who had leapt from the building, but they yelled at him: " 'Get out of here, run!' At that point I realized they were shots and they just kept going and going." Police and ambulances poured into the area. Dustin Lynch, 19, a sophomore from Churchville, Md., watched from the nearby Drillfield as unresponsive students were carried out of Norris Hall. "I saw police officers literally carrying kids out," Lynch said. "It basically looked like they were carrying bodies." Parents arrived at the Inn at Virginia Tech to meet with other grieving families and were distraught at the university's management of the incident. "I think they should have closed the whole thing. It's not worth it. You've got a crazy man on campus. Do something about it," said Hoda Bizri of Princeton, W.Va., who was visiting her daughter Siwar, a graduate student. Brett Hudner, 23, communications major from Vienna, was heading toward one of the dining halls and suddenly a scrum of police cars raced by. "The scary thing is I know I'm going to go into classes, and there's going to be empty spaces," Hudner said. The Bizris, meanwhile, were waiting for news about a friend whom they could not locate. They think she was inside Norris Hall. Jackman reported from Washington. =============================================================================== On 4/16/07, she wrote: how about the damn shooting at va tech? i'm emailing you because i know you will feel as upset and disturbed by the shooting as i am. it is so awful... it makes it hard for me to concentrate on anything else. how the fuck does stuff like this happen? what a horrific thing. On 4/17/07, I wrote: yeah, its pretty fucked up. i didn't know about it until i was at a poli sci banquet this evening and people kept talking about it.  I went home and looked it up. pretty crazy. my friend grew up there and her parents teach there. i'll have to contact her. the paper said it was the worst shooting ever. that's kind of scary to think that its sort of like a milestone.  so it makes you wonder if this event indicates that whatever forces that cause people to do this are getting stronger? or are people just learning how to kill more people more quickly? its pretty mind-boggling to try to figure it out. i don't know if its an indication of the state of our society or antying or just the consequence of an obviously very mentally ill person.  i suppose that's my sociological examination of this. i don't know--i'll probably try to stay away from reading too much stuff like this. i think you have to put events like this in context of the state of the world now. i think its worth examining senseless tragedies like this, but i don't know if it provides information about our society as much as it provides information about an individual.  but im not sure. thats why its confusing. i dunno.   maybe something larger is at work... On 4/17/07, she wrote: Yeah, i've heard SOOOO many ignorant statements on the news. it really makes me want to do something public with sociology (don't tell dawn that though). i just can't believe how much the "credible, knowledgable" newspeople mis-state..... somehow real information has to be disseminated. the thing that is really pissing me off is the focus on guns. yes, guns did this damage, but guns did not CAUSE this. i'm totally for gun laws in every sense of the word. the nra scares me, in general, but i also realize that the problem is that people are in positions of distress that create opportunities for essentially going off and acting irrationally. even if we did not have guns, people would find other means of destruction. i think the events are telling and important in regard to our society, but probably not for the reasons the media thinks it is. it just really makes me sad and depressed that there are so many people in the world who feel so terribly that acts like this even become a possible reaction. I wrote: yeah, that's why the news sucks a lot of time.  and of course reactions are likely metal detectors or some stupid reactionary solution. maybe they could have more funding for psychologists on campus or something. i know the psychiatrists here are so busy and you can't get an appointment. i wonder how it is there... i dunno. its hard to know what to do about this stuff and how to act rationally.  ah well... (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 12th, 2007
11:20 pm	horrible things adendum "So it goes" Kurt Vonnegut 1922- April 12, 2007 (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 8th, 2007
3:40 am	horrible things that have happened So I have always intended to keep a macabre journal of everything horrible that happens in this world. You know, things that make your mouth drop and make you feel a bit more grateful about you and your family's health. Or things that are so outside of your comfort zone that they don't even spark an emotions.  That's usually the case with me. Admid all this stuff, I've been pretty damn lucky. which makes me scared a bit, but not in any significant way. but, seriously, im bound for horrible things to happen to me or people I love.  im talking mostly about death.  -Saturday, April 7: An acquiantance of Tiffani Everett's committed  suicide. He lived in  Ohio and was 20 years old. -Friday, April 6: Lin's mom and grandmother both have cancer. Lin's mom has refused Chemo.  Both are expected to die within the next 3 months. Lin's afraid she will have to take care of her family, given she is the oldest.  She was just starting to get back on track by going back to school this past year after a 1-yr. sketchy stint as a bartender at a strip club.  WTF? -Thursday, April 5: Daniel Shank's roommate's sister passed away due to a stroke. She was 27 and had kin.  Sudden, unexpected. WTF? -Thursday, April 5:  Alexander's pretty sick and went to the ER earlier in the week. He got surgery Friday. I need to call.  The week before that, his aunt was in intensive care for...I can't remember what. She died. Before that, her husband (Alexander's uncle) died suddenly and unexpectedly in a  car accident. WTF? -Wednesday, April 4: Dawn Robinson's kitty had to be put down. She was only 5 years old and got some sort of cancer the doctor's couldn't detect.  Dawn was pretty upset about it because her cat was very sick after getting the tests, and she felt like she caused her to suffer her last few days.   -Last week sometime: Carolyn's Grandma died suddenly. She had cancer, I think, but didn't want to tell anyone or do anything about it. -September or October 2006: Glenn's dad died from skin cancer. He was sick for a while, but I don't talk to Glenn that often. But it happened and was probably the person who I knew the best who has been a direct victim of all this crazy shit that's going down. -December 2006: Mary Ruth Weir passed away. (See the December LJ entry earlier.) -Current events? That's too easy- take your pick.  And there are plenty more things I am sure I am forgetting. Shit like this happens I suppose. And the more people you know, the more likely you are to hear about it. C'est la vie...is not comforting. (Comment on this)
3:34 am	busy busy busy Remember that time when i went to rhode island and wore only jeans and a hoodie for 5 days because delta lost my luggage? and that time when they still couldn't find it? or how about that time where i had to list everything that was in the luggage delta lost, like all the clothes i packed for 5 days in cold weather? and then delta said they would determine how much my things are worth? yeah..good times.   so needless to say, things have been kind of hectic.  never fly delta. they will treat you like shit if you ever need help. i was in rhode island last week for a bootleg conference. but i got to stay with one of my best friends and explore charming providence. its pretty cool, but too cold for me. speaking of youtube, have you seen this yet? i gave up on haircuts for a while. my hair is kind of out of control now, but i'm loooking forward to seeing what happens. ok, and stanford is official now. i milked a few more bucks out of them and accepted a couple days after.  it looks like i won't be visiting the great state of texas, given that they rejected me! whatever- they don't know what they're missing. i actually didn't think there was any reason to go there- and i guess they thought so too. hey, i just found some pete and pete episodes on youtube. woot woot! i would like to see 300 only because i loved sin city.  perhaps i will check it out one day. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 26th, 2007
3:07 am	Spring things Its been a while.... How was your weekend? Mine was filled with drunkedness. My good friend Phlash come into town and stay with me for a few days. Though I had an ass-load of work to do (and still do), I decided that she was a lot more important than other things, so I pretty much partied with her for a few days. Much dancing was also involved, as was drinking cheap champagne while listening to fergie's "glamorous." it was great! And I had three other seperate sets of friends come into town (Anna Love, Sarah Yagodo, and Claire Whitlinger) this weekend, which was fun but frustrating to juggle seeing all them and tryin to get some shit done. Have I told you about the magic that is treasuretroopers? http://www.treasuretrooper.com/243681 Oh god, its so addicting. You make money from surveys. And after a while, you can figure out the shortcuts to go through it pretty quickly. According to my friend, its legit. Her friend has received checks from it in the past. We'll see if I actually get any money. But it says I earned like 27 bucks in a week! How's the weather? It's absurdly humid, scorching,and beautiful here. I've been outside pretty much all day and night since getting back from spring break. And the pollen does wonders for my sinuses. enough procrastination. much to do. i can only get papers done when i am down to the wire. this one's due tuesday, but when i think about how much needs to be done on it...jesus.  i don't care, im graduating.  right? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
4:01 am	last entry umm..so that last entry did some weird shit. sorry about that. i don't even know how to delete entries yet, so....yeah. sorry. hope it makes sense. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
3:53 am	movies, music, books, dogs, and grandma. and new years amazigness. So many things to talk about. Its funny how you do so much during break to stay occupied, but you still get pretty bored. Grandma's been here for a while and going back tomorrow at 9:30am. I love my grandma to death. she's the sweetest woman ever and so much fun. its been hard to have her over for so long, though. i guess she worries too much about us so its like having a second mom. or, i think i compared her to having a little brother. i take her around everywhere and its fun because she just wants the company. but there's not too much to talk about. things that are usually on my mind (i.e. boys and politics) i can't really talk to her about. so i just bring her around on my errands - goin to the post office, returning videos, etc. - and we just kind of hang out. but i'd like to be able to see my friends a lot, too, and not feel guilty. i feel like i can only go out after she goes to bed and i don't want to sleep too late because she's waiting for me. so i wake up and see my grandma waiting downstairs asking me what we are going to do today. im sure she'd understand if i just said i wanted to see my friends, but id still feel guilty. i love her a lot and don't get to see her too often, so i want to share all the time that she's here with her. ah well. anyways. i decided i would take her to the dog park at piedmont park last week and she loved it. she and grandpa (RIP) used to have a fat beagel named Mac and loves talking about him. she also enjoys watching all the dogs. i took her yesterday and went back today since it was her last day here. we stayed the longest this time- about 1.5 hours- and drew was pretty bored, but i knew grandma was havin fun. and i don't think i could ever get tired of being in piedmont park, enjoying the nice weather, and watching dogs chasing each other and having fun and such. ok, now for books. i finished the violence of hate and am convinced its a piece of shit. its more or less a rant against extreme forms of ethnic/racial violence. well, more a rant than anything else. and at one point in the book the guy points out he was on the jerry springer show about racism. but, of course, this was when the jerry springer show was "respectable." (FYI, that's a paraphrase of levin. i don't feel like getting near the book anymore to see what he actually said.) i think the book is so ridiculous that i really don't even think its worth giving the guy any credence. (it might even be his style more than anything else.) hes published a shit ton of books, but i guess that speaks more to what people like to read than his ability to produce respectable publications. i think people like reading about hate crimes because they see them as the real problems and wnat to know how they can stop them. as i mentioned in some other post, i think, institutional discrimination of all types are much more serious, widespread, debilitating, and self-perpetuating plagues on our society than the occassional hate crime. god, i know that sounds heartless. but, come on, do we really need another book about how bad nazis are and preachy rants against racism? perhaps. i don't know. speaking of preachy books, i picked up the book "courting justice: gays and lesbians v. the supreme court" when I was in san Francisco for spring break. its a comprehensive summary of all supreme court decisions related to gay rights stuff between the 1950s and about 2000 or so. doesn't include any marriage stuff, but god knows the media's saturated with all that information by now. so these two lesbian co-authors have looked at the papers of a bunch of dead justices and the rulings to talk about the cases that the court actually ruled on and the petitions people filed that the court didn't grant cert to. it is a bit preachy, but i don't mind as much because the lesbian co-authors are not another pair of clichéd preachy liberal sociologists and it offers a lot of information from primary sources that is difficult to find anywhere else so concisely and easy-to read. plus its pretty enjoyable as a compendium of a bunch of stories. so far i read about the first ruling of the supreme court relating to gay rights that allowed ONE magazine to be distributed through the mail. it was the first gay publication and the postmaster and harry truman (who the authors imply might have been gay) were trying to get it shut down in the 50s due to a law that prohibited indecent material from being distributed through the mail. the court ruled 5-4 that the magazine was good to go. and this was in 1958 i believe. pretty amazing. a few years later an astronomer was fired from NASA, or the government agency that was the pre-cursor to NASA, and filed his own appeal to the supreme court. the court ruled unanimously against even considering it but this guy went on to lead many of the gay rights movements to repeal sodomy laws and such. the authors give the guy a lot of credit for some pretty significant victories, none of which i remember of course. he founded the mattachine society, which appears to be a pretty big deal in some of the gay rights stuff ive been reading lately. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mattachine_Society "The primary goal of the society was to engender public acceptance of homosexuality " (i don't know the guy's name now, but it doesn't look like wikipedia listed him on there.) but that was cool. now im reading about a guy who made some of the first gay erotica. they ruled against him but i haven't read all about it yet. i suppose its significant because they actually agreed to take the case. im interested in reading about the actual opinions. onto music. i found some ella fitzgerald cds in my moms cd colletion. shes fun. i can't get into too much of her stuff. i wish i could appreciate classic shit like that, but im trying. i enjoy a few songs, though. i think it might need a few more listens. at least its good dinner music. And fun to sing along to the “lets call the whole thing off” song. Am also realizing how cool “all songs considered” is. This is the listener’s top 10 list of 2006 from all songs considered. I just realized how appalled I am that thom yorke’s album wasn’t included, but whatev. The songs aren’t the best but still pretty good I suppose. And I suppose I love anything having to do with npr because its just that great. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6557143 im sorry, but I really don’t get tom waits. I guess im not that cool. movies. aw, man, the movies. i watched "the devil wears prada" and have been renting so many movies probably just to find something as good as that. little miss sunshine tied, if did won, alec's movie marathon winter splurge of 2006-2007. i don't know why i liked the devil wears prada so much but merryl streep (sp? i dontcare) was f*in' awesome. i think i just might want to be her. oh no, wait, i don't want to be her. i want to be Adrian Grenier's husband i think. he's just cute i think, but his character was pretty cute, too. so that may be it. though i don't think hes actually that attractive. (that's not to say i didn't find out hes in a band in new york and signed up for the list-serv in case they ever come to atlanta.) I know its lame, but I don’t think ive had a celebrity crush since I was closeted and dawson’s creek first came out. and, yes, it was dawson. In this marathon I watched art school confidential, thank you for smoking, and little miss sunshine. The first sucked harder than anything ive seen in such a long time. It was on the level of American pie, but I think what made it so bad was its inability to acknowledge that. Thank you for smoking was “eh..”’ I love satire and enjoyed it but I didn’t get too much out of it. And maybe little miss sunshine made me tear up a few times. Besides the fact that the movie was hilarious, that girl is so damn cute and ugly beautiful in that movie that I couldn’t resist. I only wish I could have actually cried, because I think that’s a good thing to do. (and I hate to acknowledge that the only time ive let myself cry lately is over boys.) if anybody reads this, please, for the sake of adorable, ugly pretty girls everywhere, please go see little miss sunshine. i had a fun new year's. it started out badly with most of my plans falling though, my cell phone dying, listening to the countdown on 95.5 the beat while trying to find a parking spot next to the yuppy bar where my friends were at, until....i ran into my friend from high school kedar. and anne rogers (friend from high school and college..whose last name i must include for some reason.) and anne's old roommie caroline. we were at a fratty bar that belonged at uga but seemed to be placed too close to mid-town and decided to go to mjq. i never have been besides the drunken unicorn for a concert. but it was soooo much fun. holy shit. the style was sleek underground pretentious. the crowd was only a crowd you could get in a city, composed of fancy people, black folks, indie kids, and fratty kids. we danced a while in the hip-hop/club room with an awesome dj who mixed some great danceable shit, even though I didn't know most of it. then we went to the little indie room where it was hotter and grosser but still all right. but the best part was getting on the benches that lined the wall and shakin our asses like go-go dancers. i only had a couple drinks earlier but once i get started dancing...awww man. Its kind of like speed. and once they play some outkast..yeah, thaaas right. i was bustin’ out all my moves that were normally reserved for two occasions: 1) dancing with phlash and 2) my near-daily mirror dancing to fergilicious and wind it up. (on a side note, won’t it be a great day once ms word recognizes fergilicious as an actual word?) so, bombs over baghad was most definitely the pinnacle of the night. after dancing at ground level for a bit, I pointed out to anne that there was nobody on the slippery benches. So naturally we had to show off and slide/dance across the benches to the best morbid dance song ever created: bombs over Baghdad. I think when I started running towards anne in flash-dance/pee-wees big adventure style was when some folks started cheering for us. That made me happy. Oh, yes, and a boy introduced himself to me afterwards. If I were “the hottest guy in the place” (c/o caroline) and wearing a suit, I would’ve ruled out such a dancer as myself that night as a really fuckin arrogant spoiled white kid on x. I didn’t think he was that hot, but he was cute. And his name is Roberto. And we know how alec feels about latin men. Conversation consisted of hi whats yoru name I saw you at krush girls last night [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<hug [...] strangers)>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] So many things to talk about. Its funny how you do so much during break to stay occupied, but you still get pretty bored. Grandma's been here for a while and going back tomorrow at 9:30am. I love my grandma to death. she's the sweetest woman ever and so much fun. its been hard to have her over for so long, though. i guess she worries too much about us so its like having a second mom. or, i think i compared her to having a little brother. i take her around everywhere and its fun because she just wants the company. but there's not too much to talk about. things that are usually on my mind (i.e. boys and politics) i can't really talk to her about. so i just bring her around on my errands - goin to the post office, returning videos, etc. - and we just kind of hang out. but i'd like to be able to see my friends a lot, too, and not feel guilty. i feel like i can only go out after she goes to bed and i don't want to sleep too late because she's waiting for me. so i wake up and see my grandma waiting downstairs asking me what we are going to do today. im sure she'd understand if i just said i wanted to see my friends, but id still feel guilty. i love her a lot and don't get to see her too often, so i want to share all the time that she's here with her. ah well. anyways. i decided i would take her to the dog park at piedmont park last week and she loved it. she and grandpa (RIP) used to have a fat beagel named Mac and loves talking about him. she also enjoys watching all the dogs. i took her yesterday and went back today since it was her last day here. we stayed the longest this time- about 1.5 hours- and drew was pretty bored, but i knew grandma was havin fun. and i don't think i could ever get tired of being in piedmont park, enjoying the nice weather, and watching dogs chasing each other and having fun and such. ok, now for books. i finished the violence of hate and am convinced its a piece of shit. its more or less a rant against extreme forms of ethnic/racial violence. well, more a rant than anything else. and at one point in the book the guy points out he was on the jerry springer show about racism. but, of course, this was when the jerry springer show was "respectable." (FYI, that's a paraphrase of levin. i don't feel like getting near the book anymore to see what he actually said.) i think the book is so ridiculous that i really don't even think its worth giving the guy any credence. (it might even be his style more than anything else.) hes published a shit ton of books, but i guess that speaks more to what people like to read than his ability to produce respectable publications. i think people like reading about hate crimes because they see them as the real problems and wnat to know how they can stop them. as i mentioned in some other post, i think, institutional discrimination of all types are much more serious, widespread, debilitating, and self-perpetuating plagues on our society than the occassional hate crime. god, i know that sounds heartless. but, come on, do we really need another book about how bad nazis are and preachy rants against racism? perhaps. i don't know. speaking of preachy books, i picked up the book "courting justice: gays and lesbians v. the supreme court" when I was in san Francisco for spring break. its a comprehensive summary of all supreme court decisions related to gay rights stuff between the 1950s and about 2000 or so. doesn't include any marriage stuff, but god knows the media's saturated with all that information by now. so these two lesbian co-authors have looked at the papers of a bunch of dead justices and the rulings to talk about the cases that the court actually ruled on and the petitions people filed that the court didn't grant cert to. it is a bit preachy, but i don't mind as much because the lesbian co-authors are not another pair of clichéd preachy liberal sociologists and it offers a lot of information from primary sources that is difficult to find anywhere else so concisely and easy-to read. plus its pretty enjoyable as a compendium of a bunch of stories. so far i read about the first ruling of the supreme court relating to gay rights that allowed ONE magazine to be distributed through the mail. it was the first gay publication and the postmaster and harry truman (who the authors imply might have been gay) were trying to get it shut down in the 50s due to a law that prohibited indecent material from being distributed through the mail. the court ruled 5-4 that the magazine was good to go. and this was in 1958 i believe. pretty amazing. a few years later an astronomer was fired from NASA, or the government agency that was the pre-cursor to NASA, and filed his own appeal to the supreme court. the court ruled unanimously against even considering it but this guy went on to lead many of the gay rights movements to repeal sodomy laws and such. the authors give the guy a lot of credit for some pretty significant victories, none of which i remember of course. he founded the mattachine society, which appears to be a pretty big deal in some of the gay rights stuff ive been reading lately. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mattachine_Society "The primary goal of the society was to engender public acceptance of homosexuality " (i don't know the guy's name now, but it doesn't look like wikipedia listed him on there.) but that was cool. now im reading about a guy who made some of the first gay erotica. they ruled against him but i haven't read all about it yet. i suppose its significant because they actually agreed to take the case. im interested in reading about the actual opinions. onto music. i found some ella fitzgerald cds in my moms cd colletion. shes fun. i can't get into too much of her stuff. i wish i could appreciate classic shit like that, but im trying. i enjoy a few songs, though. i think it might need a few more listens. at least its good dinner music. And fun to sing along to the “lets call the whole thing off” song. Am also realizing how cool “all songs considered” is. This is the listener’s top 10 list of 2006 from all songs considered. I just realized how appalled I am that thom yorke’s album wasn’t included, but whatev. The songs aren’t the best but still pretty good I suppose. And I suppose I love anything having to do with npr because its just that great. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6557143 im sorry, but I really don’t get tom waits. I guess im not that cool. movies. aw, man, the movies. i watched "the devil wears prada" and have been renting so many movies probably just to find something as good as that. little miss sunshine tied, if did won, alec's movie marathon winter splurge of 2006-2007. i don't know why i liked the devil wears prada so much but merryl streep (sp? i dontcare) was f*in' awesome. i think i just might want to be her. oh no, wait, i don't want to be her. i want to be Adrian Grenier's husband i think. he's just cute i think, but his character was pretty cute, too. so that may be it. though i don't think hes actually that attractive. (that's not to say i didn't find out hes in a band in new york and signed up for the list-serv in case they ever come to atlanta.) I know its lame, but I don’t think ive had a celebrity crush since I was closeted and dawson’s creek first came out. and, yes, it was dawson. In this marathon I watched art school confidential, thank you for smoking, and little miss sunshine. The first sucked harder than anything ive seen in such a long time. It was on the level of American pie, but I think what made it so bad was its inability to acknowledge that. Thank you for smoking was “eh..”’ I love satire and enjoyed it but I didn’t get too much out of it. And maybe little miss sunshine made me tear up a few times. Besides the fact that the movie was hilarious, that girl is so damn cute and ugly beautiful in that movie that I couldn’t resist. I only wish I could have actually cried, because I think that’s a good thing to do. (and I hate to acknowledge that the only time ive let myself cry lately is over boys.) if anybody reads this, please, for the sake of adorable, ugly pretty girls everywhere, please go see little miss sunshine. i had a fun new year's. it started out badly with most of my plans falling though, my cell phone dying, listening to the countdown on 95.5 the beat while trying to find a parking spot next to the yuppy bar where my friends were at, until....i ran into my friend from high school kedar. and anne rogers (friend from high school and college..whose last name i must include for some reason.) and anne's old roommie caroline. we were at a fratty bar that belonged at uga but seemed to be placed too close to mid-town and decided to go to mjq. i never have been besides the drunken unicorn for a concert. but it was soooo much fun. holy shit. the style was sleek underground pretentious. the crowd was only a crowd you could get in a city, composed of fancy people, black folks, indie kids, and fratty kids. we danced a while in the hip-hop/club room with an awesome dj who mixed some great danceable shit, even though I didn't know most of it. then we went to the little indie room where it was hotter and grosser but still all right. but the best part was getting on the benches that lined the wall and shakin our asses like go-go dancers. i only had a couple drinks earlier but once i get started dancing...awww man. Its kind of like speed. and once they play some outkast..yeah, thaaas right. i was bustin’ out all my moves that were normally reserved for two occasions: 1) dancing with phlash and 2) my near-daily mirror dancing to fergilicious and wind it up. (on a side note, won’t it be a great day once ms word recognizes fergilicious as an actual word?) so, bombs over baghad was most definitely the pinnacle of the night. after dancing at ground level for a bit, I pointed out to anne that there was nobody on the slippery benches. So naturally we had to show off and slide/dance across the benches to the best morbid dance song ever created: bombs over Baghdad. I think when I started running towards anne in flash-dance/pee-wees big adventure style was when some folks started cheering for us. That made me happy. Oh, yes, and a boy introduced himself to me afterwards. If I were “the hottest guy in the place” (c/o caroline) and wearing a suit, I would’ve ruled out such a dancer as myself that night as a really fuckin arrogant spoiled white kid on x. I didn’t think he was that hot, but he was cute. And his name is Roberto. And we know how alec feels about latin men. Conversation consisted of hi whats yoru name I saw you at krush girls last night <hug (because I do that to strangers)> do you live around her yes I do do you live around here no I live in Athens well I hope to see you around whats your name again im sorry im alec <handshake> Loosely paraphrased. I really don’t like getting excited about shit like that, but I’m not going to lie…I plan on going back to mjq tomorrow night. (I heard Wednesday’s are good nights….with lots of people…which increases the odds I will run into said person-to-be-excited-about) I did think about asking for his number. But I did that with bryan. And that didn’t work out. so maybe im just trying to be too cool this time by not asking for someone’s number. He introduced himself to me, right? I figure that asking for my number would’ve been the next step but whatev. So I went home happy. The night that had the potential to turn into my first early night of the break ended up probably being the best. Oh, and I played Nintendo Wii the night before, which more than blew me away. Things have been lookin up alec. I’ll let you know how grad schools feel about me in February or mid-march. [ooohh…dare I embark on my next tangent regarding the disproportionate amount of my self-worth dependent on boys and other people in general, relative to the amount dependent on any of my other accomplishments? Will I ever learn the lesson from little miss sunshine to be happy with myself? Despite my sex and the city urges bubling up thanks to carrie bradshaw’s overlooking her publication of a book due to her shortage of mens, I suppose such an entry would only feed such a problem by granting credence to crappy boys at the expense of more important going-ons.] (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
4:11 am	cherry re: subject title im sure im not the first one to use that metaphor for this thing, but...eh. as much as i hate ljs, i figured i have wasted enough time on facebook, so this might be more productive for the following reasons: -i read but don't write, making times when i have to write incredibly painful. like right now..when i need to work on my statement of purpose. crap. -i need to keep a better record of my life. i forget things pretty easily and don't like writing so maybe ill do a better job with this thing? -ive heard i can find vegan recipes/tips/support on here by joining groups. god knows im strugglin with this vegan crap for real. maybe this will help. ok, so now for the updates: -christmas was today. i received some things. highlights of the day include tofurkey and reading. im trying to finally read all those books ive had on my shelf forever but have never read. this afternoon's selection was "the violence of hate." (i wish i knew how to underline in this thing.. ) its one of the many books my sociology professor left outside of his office when he moved. i took a bunch, hoping to sell some on amazon. but they are all pretty interesting, and id like to read them eventually. but this one is kind of sucking. its everything that i hate about social scientists' treatment of race. but ill step back a bit. its a jewish (i think?) professor at some school whos the director of one of those multicultural departments or something. he studies hate groups and hate crimes and has published a lot. i almost gave up on it in the first couple pages when he's talking about what a problem hate crimes are now. personally, im of the opinion that there are much larger, systemic problems of prejudice underlying every social institution that are a much more serious problem. so this will sound cold-hearted, but....pointing to matthew shepard as an indication of the hate that exists in our society against homosexuals is a short-sighted/knee-jerk/fox-news-sensationalist view of prejudice. its pretty incredible that shit like that happens, but do bad apples really represent the treatment of people of minority sexualities in our society? examining how heterosexism pervades every social institution is a lot more useful for studying prejudice than examining hate crime statistics against homosexuals. all right, i didn't mean for that too be that long. so Levin (the author) points out that so much of sociology's focus is already turned towards insitutional discrimination yet hate crimes are still happening and people aren't studying it. point taken. i continued reading... here's my problems with it. race doesn't exist. we all know this. Levin gives a few examples of the social construciton of race, like how the legal definition of "black" has changed throughout time in U.S. society. however, so much of the book makes ridiculous sweeping statements about Blacks with a capital "B." i wish i had the energy to go into the next room to pick out a sentence to illustrate what im talking about it, but im sure you've seen this before. virtually every piece of social science literature on race makes these generalizations about racial/ethnic groups, which i find problematic for two reasons: (1) reifying race as if there is an agreed-upon monolithic group of black people that feel a particular way (2) stereotyping in the same way that the author finds problematic. [bjork is being too distracting now. shut up bjork.] so then we have the chapter of levin's "typology of hate." Again with the generalizations. He arranges people with "Hate" on a continuum with the most extreme people belonging to the "organized hate" category and most of society belonging to the "bystander" category. not really based on anything, he argues that most of society fits into the "bystander" category of people who don't really do anything against extreme forms of hate or laws that disenfranchise particular groups because they stand to benefit from such actions. perhaps so, but i wish he could've provided some evidence for this. hes big on anecdotal evidence, which is useful for explaining his typology but not his generalizations about how many people fit into these particular categories. i also want him to give some more examples of what he actually expects people to do. he kind of ridicules people for standing around while jews were being fired and kicked out of their homes in Nazi germany because they were able to benefit from it. But he also mentions how an entirely Ukranian family was slaughtered because they tried to protect some Jews. oh yeah, and he mentions how most people are apathetic to things like this, which is complicit with the actions of Nazis. ok. i wish people had done something. but they would've been killed, yes? and would the people they were trying to protect not be killed with them? to classify no action as "apathy" and as the same as supporting the nazis is ridiculous. never personally being in such a situation, i don't think any of us could condemn others for not doing anything. but this guy's pretty damn extreme in saying most people are crappy for not doing anything about stuff like that. and that's how far i've gotten. social science books always kind of suck. usually articles are a bit better. the books always attempt to be a bit more ambitious than articles in asserting their claims and often fail to acknowledge any of their potential shortcomings. so they just make me angry. there's nothing i hate more than when people try to simplify issues to black and white. no pun intended, but i think that makes for a clever conclusion to my tirade. never fear, more updates to come about crappy research and things that i don't have anyone else to talk to about. Current Mood: whatev Current Music: "bjork knows how to party" mix (Comment on this)
12:30 am	MaryRuth Back so soon? Yes, I am. thank you for asking. so maybe another thing that prompted me to start this is my attendance at the funeral for MaryRuth Weir. I don't know why I don't want to talk to anyone about this, so I suppose I will write about it. I didn't know her very well, but she was one of the sweetest, most amazing women I've ever met. I got involved with Georgians for Alternatives to the Death Penalty in high school and started the Athens chapter of the group when I came to UGA. Its been struggling a bit, but I'm glad I've stayed involved. Anywho, that's how I met MaryRuth and her husband Ed. They both work (and live?) at New Hope House, a house next to Georgia's death row that takes in folks visiting family and friends who are on death row. Its pretty amazing that two people would decide to live in Griffin, GA next to death row to do this. Their dedication to anti-death penalty activism is pretty amazing. They were both on the GFADP board for I don't know how long and I think have been at every GFADP meeting and event I've ever attended. But MaryRuth is one of those sweet, quiet, pure people who inspire you to want to be nice to everyone you meet and renew your commitment to mankind. (Kind of like my friend Maria) I kept kicking myself for being mean to my mom that morning when she was asking about how MaryRuth died. I'm sure she would've been heart-broken to know that I got mad at my mom about askig about her. (I had been nervous about telling my mom I was going to a funeral for a while, but then told her the night before what happened and she kind of brushed it off within 30 seconds of my confession by talking about what a tragedy it was that those climbers were never found. That made me upset, and her inquisitiveness the next morning made me feel like she was more prying than caring about learning about someone the world has lost. Then again, I only got 5 hours of sleep the night before, so my grumpiness was probably more selfish and inappropriate than anything else.) So MaryRuth found out she had some brain tumors in August. I talked to her a bit at our state-wide meeting and she was limping, but you wouldn't know anything was wrong because of how sweet she was. And then I got an e-mail saying she died last week. I drove up to Comer, GA where they had a memorial service for her at a place called Jubilee Partners, another cool organization you can read about here: http://www.jubileepartners.org/ It was an amazing two-hour service. I tried really hard not to cry when people were talking about her in her last moments. (I like to think I can attribute my not busting out crying to me being by myself and not wanting to attract attention, rather than my internalization of gender roles, but that's another story.) She was at Emory hospital and her last word was "'Nough" as she pushed away her oxygen mask to tell her husband that she was done with life. I wish I had a better vocabulary to be more specific about amazing she was. But the service was great--a lot of hippies, lawyers, activists, old people, young folks, and even a couple former death row inmates. It was pretty grass-roots, with people from the Open Door Community handing out nametags and sharpies while many attendees showed up sporting activist T-shirts. Two of MaryRuth's grandkids played a violin duet which was the most adorable thing ever. We all sang some 60s protest songs I think. I need to find the flier from the funeral, but there was a song about wanting to go by the river and not learning about the war machine?? Something like that...a google search tells me that neil young might be the one who sang that. I doubt it, though. (did you know he has a song called "Let's Impeach the President?" I suppose he's not one for subtlety.)So it was great to see so many people who are involved and to know that old age does not preclude passion and social justice activism. I always get sad for families during funerals. I think that's probably what makes me the saddest about funerals. God, I can't imagine what I would do if someone in my immediate family died, especially a spouse. They both lived down next to death row together, and I can't imagine how horribly sad it must be to have to be there after your wife dies. Maybe there are other people who work there, too, but I think its just the Weirs. I don't know too much about them. (Funny story: I found out MaryRuth used to work as a librarian for the CIA and Ed used to be a codebreaker for the NSA. Government intelligence workers turned hardcore activists? Not sure, but its funny.) But, yeah, inspirational service, if only because of all the diverse amazing people gathered together in a room all signing moratorium postcards in honor of MaryRuth. Man, she was beautiful. I wish I could think of a better way to phrase this, but, with the loss of MaryRuth, this world has suffered; if not because the world has lost the contributions of her selfless activism, the world has suffered from the loss of a rare, uniquely pure spirit. Current Music: damien rice is f*in amazing (Comment on this)